what is it that I need to fix??

Today some things happened that told me that I'm missing something.  Something is missing to complete that puzzle and I can't figure out what it is....One thing I have realized is that I can't do this alone, I have people that depend on me and I need to stay strong, making sure I have the answers when their need.  
Perfection....

definition of PERFECTION

1

: the quality or state of being perfect: as

a : freedom from fault or defect : flawlessness

b : maturity

c : the quality or state of being saintly

2

a : an exemplification of supreme excellence

b : an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence

3

: the act or process of perfecting

 See perfection defined for English-language learners »

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No one is perfect...right? but as I continue to strive to be as great as I can be at what I do I know I'll never be perfect.  

The last few weeks I've fallen asleep thinking of things I need to do the next day and I wake up reviewing the list again in my head like I didn't even stop.  This morning I found myself get up and get a piece of paper to start writing them down. I will not fail this time, I will be successful and I will do it right.  Many lesson's learned with previous experiences and I have very determined plans to conquer. 

but what do you end up doing when there are those who create clear barriers to prevent success? Where do you go, who do you turn too.  What is worse, who can you talk to when you know the truth? I had a knife stab through my heart today and it took everything for me to keep my composure and not cry eyes out. Of course when I finally lay down for bed, I sob, my poor husband is so confused, and I am too tired to even talk about it.  

This brings me back to the people in your life, what position is each person in your life there for, why are they there for you.  Why does charlie brown have coffee with you weekly or Superman invites you for lunch? Is it even worth analyzing or do you just go with it? The biggest wish I could ever ask for is I just want my friends, ALL of those people who come into my life to be truthful, honest, supportive and...just a friend.  Who is it in your life you can just be you and not be judged and deserted. If you have someone close, how will you ever know you can confide in them and your words be safe?

We all go through situations though out our lives which turns us into entrusting "aquaintenances" to everyone we know, how many people can you call your friends? So many questions I sure I'm not the only one who's asked them once or twice. I can't tell you the heartache I endure when I think of friends who don't even talk to me anymore over something that I don't know know about or understand.  

Tonight I was watching idol and Kree sang that song by kris K.  Help me make it through the night....It was so moving for me, memories from back home and my childhood came flowing through my heart. it reminded me of times when I would watch my mom do her hair and make up with the music on in the background, even as a teenager I would listen to the music Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Ann Murray I could go on. Now those people I got into the most trouble with in my life, well those women are defiantly on the friend list. 

I guess in the end, my true feelings are don't judge me because I want transparency, because I care about people who are important to me and that I am honest. But to remember I'll be the friend to tell you you have food in your teeth, your outfit looks like shit or that I will express my opinion and won't ever LIE to you. My feelings are important, just like yours are, if you can't appreciate them, well you can't enjoy in my dysfunctional life with me, the train is leaving!