Holy Cow i didn't expect this.

In the last year I decided to focus on myself and make some changes in my life.  Don't get me wrong my kiddos and grand kids are priority always but I need to healthy to  be happy. So many things changed for us in the last year it seems my head doesn't seem to stop spinning.   I am still at the job I love and working with the best team I've had in years.  That makes it all so worth it.  I continue to work to grow these programs and keep everyone busy and productive. 

I am at the end of the leg of the process of surgery.  I went today to get my surgery date and I was smacked in the face that there were more requirements via insurance.  I was devastated, felt I wanted to just quit. 

There are so many reasons why I won't quit, but it's extremely hard to keep hitting walls. Today I cam home and there was a case of ensure and chicken broth on the counter.  I may not express it clear enough  but that is a great gift and I thank my husband for shopping for me. That was awesome to see.  I get a lot of kind words form many fiends and so much support from family. I am sure that I will be successful .

Thank you all for always thinking of  me.

whoa, this week was overwhelming
I search for validation in all aspects of my life. 
I talk a lot about friends coming to me searching for advice, I do this because it opens my mind to rethink things in my personal life.

I was walking out of my office tonight and a friend came looking for advice, she so wants to be loved. She has been single for a very long time and ready to date but not ready to emotionally....today is very different from even 5 yrs ago next to a decade.  Our society is changing so much there are so many expectations of a woman but no one cares how a man represents himself.
This is were the confusion comes in...It's very difficult for women to understand what men think and what they feel.
Even when a man has feelings he is NEVER going to tell you because the man feels that that makes them look weak and vulnerable.  And at the same time here we are as women.............emotional wanting to express our deepest feelings, our needs our wants and to the man, it is irrelevant because it's nothing like what they want. 

And that's ok............women from venus men from mars.......it is that exact and that simple. Women and men are so different that it will always cause a rift in the relationship,

  Women aren't simple, that is a fact, but men create the issues we have to over come. 
men create the judgement that creates a woman second guess them selves...but they just don't know they do. when a woman is confident and open that scares men away.  When women are in charge that makes the man feel inferior so they lash out with negative energy.
By no means do I take blame away from the women....we are just as guilty. 
But we need to remember we are to live not pout......we are here to experience all aspects of life and Live to feel good.  To be happy and to successful.  Man or women needs to move in that directions. 
Don't let anyone hold you down, experience what you love and endure what you feel.

It's times to live!

I talked to an old friend today and reconnected on so many different levels, it was pretty awesome.  you know that saying you reconnect and it's like you haven't been apart a day. we've known each other more years than my daughter has been alive and so this woman has been my strength. We cry I laugh and we love to hear what we're struggling with and/or our triumphs. A true friend. today I did most the crying this time, It is evident that i needed a friend to chat with. work, life all that came into play. I cried I laughed ...blah blah blah

 As we talked we did our normal rhetorical conversation...I don't think we ever answer each other or give solutions it's always rhetorical and solutions to the rhetorical.

I then asked her with no prompts....

What if your getting your ass kicked on a daily basis...............she said

fight hard and play dirty

damn need to replan my game

GOD i love her

almost 46 yrs old

I chatted today with an old friend who have been married as long as i have and she is so unhappy. she's wanting chang

My heart broke for her.......

Last week i met with a friend who has expressed she is no longer in love with her husband. She cried in my arms. I tried so hard not to cry too but my heart is weak and I cried.
She expressed to me that she has tried over and over to help him notice her., she'es tried so hard to reach out to him and figure out what is wrong because she can see it in her face, she can feel it in his heart.


I didn't have anything to say...I just stayed a good support. It was clear that she was going to leave him.  To me it was clear that she was putting her and her kiddos first and she needed to make sure that they were all taken care of no matter what.

I reminded her that we all change over the years and change is ok.  what the hardest thing is is to admit that and move on. Harder then you'll ever think......

we always want to protect our kids and but they hurt more when we're hurting .....the kiddos know, even when we think they don't, it's just hard to realize and admit.

Happiness is so hard to come by...marriage is a battle, you must love unconditionally to commit and go through everything you need to as a team.No blame or shame.............but at the same time even after yrs of marriage people change and drift apart and I think that is the hardest to admit when in a relationship.

I've had others rhetorically state "but we've been together for 20 yrs and I don't love him anymore and he's so awesome" how does that happen?

People change.....

I don't think I did anything more for my friend but give her a shoulder to cry on and to cry with.  these types of situations rattle my heart because of my past battles and it kills me to know my friends struggle and experience the pain i have. It's brutal.......Love is brutal........heart break is  just explainable

. 

I just am not sure....

Our lives move so fast, so many things change. there is so much I missed with raising my son Max I refuse to miss those moments with my daughter. But I feel like life is moving so fast I can't get  a hold of anything.
She likes a boy, I don't want her to like a boy.  I remember when I liked a boy and even though he is awesome today, we don't know what that boy will be like in 30 yrs. She changed her hair color, I am sure that is a phase.
 I see deep down inside she misses her horse...he was injured early this year and we've been just bidding time....but I see so much life in Kaitlynn when she's riding and competing. I miss her being able to miss her horse...
isn't this what parenting is all about. changes....feelings....personality changes, life changes.  For our kiddos..it seems non stop.

My kaitlynn needs her Temesun back.

when you find your place...

what does it mean when you find your place

To me you just feel you should of been there already years ago.  I have struggled in the last 2 years professionally, I am a very loyal individual a give 100% to my employer...my career is so important to me...........sometimes i feel i neglect my family

however..........i think i found my place

so what that means is that i transitioned smoothly, not much resistance.  My boss is amazing, so awesome It's like a fairy tale.

i know it's not always going to be perfect, this week was sink or swim...but I was on a Fricken floatie!!!

I didn't sink and i didn't have to swim.....i floated!! Why????????? because of the team i have because of the boss I have. I may walk out of there EXHAUSTED but I am exhausted and have something to show for it and damn proud of it.

I have alot to learn ..OMG sooooooooo much to learn but damn I thank GOD today for where I'm at and the blessings I've been gifted.