He left me because I put my kids first.....

I have many friends from diverse walks of life and for me its unique because I'm unique as well. I have this veiw of acceptance, no bullshit and damn my family all together comes first. I don't take crap from any one or any man for that matter, however... my hubby and I but heads occasionally.  I love who I am and I love that I hold true to my ethics and values and don't allow a man or anyone for that matter to manipulate who I am .  I had a colleague tell me once. " he's unhappy because I put my kids first and I don't give him enough sex".  Today they are divorced....
Naturally I fell out of my chair and went on a OH HELL NO rampage. I was devastated that this beautiful woman who had the most amazing spirit who loved her children and husband so much was put in a position to choose. I don't know what happened in the end but I be a million dollars she put her kids first. 
My point is women are beautiful no matter what size, style, personality etc....we are amazing.  But at the same time we need to hold true to ourself and not allow our ethics to be manipulated. I can browse through people I know and state my opinion but every one is so unique, it makes me wonder why a man ( or women) wouldn't love someone even with the changes as much as he / she loved them in the beginning. 
I am a very analytical person and I watch my husband doing his thing and wonder, "damn why does he still love me' I have become such a bitch over the years (laughing while I write this) I am hard core..I am ok with having NO friends because I don't need drama and I want his attention alllll the time. Poor guy has to put up with my shit! I gained 50 pounds since we've been married I don't work as hard as I should to lose that weight. I'm always sick....Oh my Goodness! And this amazing man still loves me, still accepts me and doesn't need to be someone different who he was 13 yrs ago when we met. 
I want all my girl friends to know you are all gorgeous, successful and independent even if you don't think you are. We have the power to rule the world and men I believe are just  fricken afraid that we will. 

It isn't every day

 It isn't every day you meet those who you LOVE the be a part of.  We met Melissa and Cameron on accident when we joined our friend Jerry Gomes at bike week. (Thank you Jerry) Melissa and I had so much in common we couldn't stop talking.  It was instant friendship...talking about family, our occupations, dreams and bigger dreams. They are the type of people who you can be just yourself with, those who never judge or expect anything. 
We were invited to join their family for the 4th of July in Oceanside, CA.  We arrived and it was their family, their sisters, brothers family, aunt and uncle's family and the Gomes family and Grandma and Grandpa.  Even with 23 people together for 5 days we had fun, we laughed, and even cried a few times.  Walked a mile in other peoples shoes as those others in ours. Danced on the beach, rode the waves and made sand castles. 
All weekend we all came together to make sure meals were made and bathes were done.  Everyone knew where they were sleeping and some even just didn't care and hit the floor.  Hair wasn't perfect, clothes were sometimes dirty and even some unnecessary conversation happened over a few adult drinks. However,  in the end with a group of the travelling 23 it was the best time I've had with friends in such a long time. I can honestly say I created a friendship which will last forever. 
OH Yeah, I won't forget the 5 dogs, 1 cat, a bird and a beta fish. 
Thank you for the most amazing time and memories made with our family.  I will never forget you even though your moving already! Oh yeah I didn't cry until now! :0)

I thank GOD for his many blessings!

A True American Hero-A story you MUST read

Today I got up at 730am to take our 10yr old daughter to a basket ball clinic at Woodard Jr. High here  in Yuma, Arizona. Kaitlynn will be attending there this coming up school year. She and I are both a little nervous going to Jr. High so I thought this would be a little bit of exposure to the new school and students and she knows nothing about basketball. 

In our community our youth deal with so much stigma with outcomes which are dangerous--bullying.  Kaitlynn went through that at her elementary school and of course this makes her nervous.  Walking into the gym it was comfortable to me.  The kids were all playing together, I could see they were comfortable in their settings.  The school was inviting and the adults were involved with the kids. It was very positive, I was feeling better, however Kaitlynn was so scared though...she was pail as a ghost I could of sworn she was going to pass out.  

She observed for awhile getting the feeling of everything.  I asked maybe if this one gentlemen out with the kids might be ok with encouraging kaitlynn to get out there.  The TALL guy came over and introduced himself as Jamal Shueler, he is a professional basketball player.  He talked to kaitlynn and brought her out on the court to help her be more comfortable.  She agreed to go out there with him. 

Jamal Shuler-Played for Woodard in 2000 

Now plays professional Ball 

It is amazing to me that this was arranged and organized by the school and this man came back to where he started to give these youth a day they'll never forget.  The principle was there on the court and was extremely involved with these youth. As a parent going into new territory  I was extremely impressed with his involvement.  After awhile Kaitlynn became more comfortable and was having fun.  Her face was lite up to be standing by these older girls and watching them to learn how to do the drills. 

He did some one on one coaching with Kaitlynn, they watched a video on his skills and then they did drills and played some ball. My point to my post is this man didn't know my daughter or any of these kids for that matter.  He travelled to give these youth some encouragement and motivation in this sport.  And he did just that.   On the court with them coaching the youth and giving them high fives. 

During the clinic there were competitions and the kids were loving it.  Winners of each different drill/competition were winning prizes, basketball arm sleeves. He brought them and handed them to the youth personally after each win. 

In the end I noticed that he was walking towards Kailtynn, he had 1 sleeve left he said this was for the most special and bravest player, and he gave it to kaitlynn.  

Now you know I was in instant tears after I saw her just shine! This man took the time to go out of his way to help her feel better and shine like a super star.  Even after giving this to her he walked with her and walked with her giving her more advice. 

 I have never in my life been more impressed by an individual.  This man didn't have to do this for her but he did, he gave time to her. He has made it big and carries his head proud but he is a very humble man.  I am SO very proud of our brave daughter for getting out there! 

 Let it be known,   if Kailtynn starts playing ball and continues through her years, it won't because I got up at 7am to take her to the clinic or because her dad and I support her and travel with her.  It'll be because this ONE man took the time to encourage and motivate a youth he didn't even know.  

Now that's an AMERICAN HERO~! 

Hundreds of tears were shed by the mother through these moments!

People change, things change, priorities change. It's LIfe!

As a therapist change is something I analyse every day.  I always find myself going back to the stages of change model. 

• PreContemplation
• Contemplation
• Preparation 
• Action 
• Maintenance

I believe when a person is making a change in their lives they follow this model and most don't even know it exists.  I didn't until I worked in behavioural health.  Since then I hold myself accountable for the changes I make with myself, my career my friends and my family.  I have to because it affects everyone around me at some point in some aspect.  People change over the years.  They become married, have children everything changes.  Goals, career goals, priorities and ethics.  When I think about who I was 13 yrs ago to who I am now I laugh, shake my head and think "what was I thinking".  However, I truly believe our past brings us to who we are today.  

Our individual experiences open our eyes and our heart breaks change our beliefs but our achievements increases our motivation. We are human, you have feelings, I have determination, you have priorities I have career goals.  We all have the drive to be who we desire and in the end we become different people then who we were 10-15-20 yrs ago. 

Lately, I have been looking at things differently in my life, who I spend my time with, who I care about and who truly cares about me.  Wow have things really changed!!!    Approx 6 months ago I spent time with someone who I barely knew.  I realized how amazing she was in so many different ways. Because of our conversations she opened my eyes to some things I didn't ever think of or even consider. In the end it made sense ...I came to realize that I have changed in many different ways which in turn changed my priorities. 

I remember  needing a lot of people in my life and having such a huge desire to be liked and surrounded by people, that's not me anymore. I remember that the words didn't hurt me but I cared in silence, I am not that person anymore.  Words hurt me and now I voice my feelings but protect my heart.  I remember when I would push different things aside and not think of myself, now I am my priority because if I'm not ok I am not a good wife or mother. I am now in the action phase. 

I can guarantee you there are things I wished I did differently in my life, I can kick myself for not being more assertive in the past.  however,  I can promise you I will do it right from this day forward.  I can also tell you those who hurt me aren't going to ever do it again and I will always regret those who I forgot.  I will always remember there's an underlying factor to human behaviour and consider exactly what this post is about..... She changed, he changed and I changed. It's not a bad thing...it's life....it's just how it is. We aren't meant to be who we once were. 

Life goes on.............Right?

TODAY we celebrate the women who made us who we are....Our Mothers!

Even as a little girl I have memories about watching my mom and my grandmother interact. My mom helping her in her kitchen and doing things for her in her home and even visa versa when my grandmother came to our house.
I cherish the holidays where I watched them make povatitza and pasties together each year.  When we would all get together and go to Stadon park or Homestake late to picnic. 

I remember watching my mom plant her flowers in the pots in front of the house each spring and they never ever died, I try to now and I can't do it the way mom and grandmother did.  I remember the rose bushes my grandmother had and how important they were to her and how beautiful there were, now my mom has her own rose garden and how funny I am building my rose garden. 

We've all gone our seperate ways over the years weather it was going to heaven or moving away, I have so many fabulous memories of the 2 women I admire and love so dearly.  My mother and my gradmother. 7 yrs ago my grandmother passed away today and I miss her so much. You are always in my heart.  No matter what happened over the years my love for my mother hasn't changed, if anything it has become stronger. I watch my mother go through so my obstacles in here life and she keeps her head up high and doesn't let anything or anyone push her down.  She is strong, she is intelligent, MOSTLY right ...and always my biggest Hero! 

Here's to you mom!!          Taper'Light
       My Mom and ALL of us kids 
My grandma Blanche  My grandmother in her 20's  I believe this is my mom with her brother My mom in the middle on a christmas My dearest grandmother holding kailtynn for the first and last time.  These are precious pictures to me. 

Who are we to judge others?

I refer back to my first marriage alot because I bring so much from those experiences into my life now as a learning experience. Don't get me wrong there were GREAT times and those memories are treasured.  I think back at times when we seperated and divorced, what we could have done differently to make it easier on ourselves and our son.  I believe our son Travis suffered a great deal through the crap that was created through the divorce. Divorce isn't easy on anyone. There are so many emotions a person goes through when you spend so many vital years with someone and "poof" it seems to end just like that. What the heck happened, gosh I've asked that over and over to myself.  Alot of you are probably asking me why does it matter it was a long time ago!! Well it does matter because who wants to make those mistakes again?? Certainly not I and to now know what we went through opens my eyes alot with things I expiereince today. 

When we divorced we both lost friends.  It was like our friends were "divided" up in the divorce.  There were some who never talked to me again and some who I've reconnected with in the last few years which is amazing to me, I love it. And some who never left my side no matter what I might of done or said wrong, no one is perfect.  But when you loose those friends, those people who had been there for years and years, those who just take a side, it's heart breaking, but there's a reason for everything right? 

But then you have to ask, are they taking a side or is it really just easier to go in this direction?  I can't imagine because I don't want to be that person, who am I to judge or assume anything about anyone.  If  charlie brown left his wife and was dating somene 10 yrs younger what business is that of mine? And how do I know that Charlie Brown isn't going through some mid life crisis he may need some professional help with and this is just an easier escape? Wouldn't this be the time Charlie would need his friends the most?  Hey don't laugh if you don't know how that feels because it's very very common in situations like this.

My point to this is judging, we are all going to go through things in our lives and have friends who may go through divorce or support others when they are going through something.  What charlie brown does through this difficult time isn't my bussiness and what kind of friend am I, or would I be if I kicked him to the curb because of the desicions he makes.  It's important in our life that we need to be true to ourselves but if you can't have the same standard when it comes to those you tell your secrets to you aren't really who you think you are! Wouldn't you agree?

I think it's time that people put up or shut up.  I need to be true to my friends as I would hope they would be to me if I ended up like Charlie Brown. I don't need people to judge me when I'm going through my life issues, thats what I need the most .  I'm certainly going to hold true to do the same for those in my life who are my friends.  Aren't we suppose to stick together when we're going through the hardest times in our lives?

Out of all the people who has come into my life over the years I have a hadful of people that I can trust and still feel comfortable telling my deepest darkest secrets to if I needed to because I know I won't be pityed or judged.  I hope I can continue to strive to be a better person and friend if any of my friends had the unfortunate situation in their lives I hope I can be there for a support! 

what is it that I need to fix??

Today some things happened that told me that I'm missing something.  Something is missing to complete that puzzle and I can't figure out what it is....One thing I have realized is that I can't do this alone, I have people that depend on me and I need to stay strong, making sure I have the answers when their need.  
Perfection....

definition of PERFECTION

1

: the quality or state of being perfect: as

a : freedom from fault or defect : flawlessness

b : maturity

c : the quality or state of being saintly

2

a : an exemplification of supreme excellence

b : an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence

3

: the act or process of perfecting

 See perfection defined for English-language learners »

See perfection defined for kids »

No one is perfect...right? but as I continue to strive to be as great as I can be at what I do I know I'll never be perfect.  

The last few weeks I've fallen asleep thinking of things I need to do the next day and I wake up reviewing the list again in my head like I didn't even stop.  This morning I found myself get up and get a piece of paper to start writing them down. I will not fail this time, I will be successful and I will do it right.  Many lesson's learned with previous experiences and I have very determined plans to conquer. 

but what do you end up doing when there are those who create clear barriers to prevent success? Where do you go, who do you turn too.  What is worse, who can you talk to when you know the truth? I had a knife stab through my heart today and it took everything for me to keep my composure and not cry eyes out. Of course when I finally lay down for bed, I sob, my poor husband is so confused, and I am too tired to even talk about it.  

This brings me back to the people in your life, what position is each person in your life there for, why are they there for you.  Why does charlie brown have coffee with you weekly or Superman invites you for lunch? Is it even worth analyzing or do you just go with it? The biggest wish I could ever ask for is I just want my friends, ALL of those people who come into my life to be truthful, honest, supportive and...just a friend.  Who is it in your life you can just be you and not be judged and deserted. If you have someone close, how will you ever know you can confide in them and your words be safe?

We all go through situations though out our lives which turns us into entrusting "aquaintenances" to everyone we know, how many people can you call your friends? So many questions I sure I'm not the only one who's asked them once or twice. I can't tell you the heartache I endure when I think of friends who don't even talk to me anymore over something that I don't know know about or understand.  

Tonight I was watching idol and Kree sang that song by kris K.  Help me make it through the night....It was so moving for me, memories from back home and my childhood came flowing through my heart. it reminded me of times when I would watch my mom do her hair and make up with the music on in the background, even as a teenager I would listen to the music Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Ann Murray I could go on. Now those people I got into the most trouble with in my life, well those women are defiantly on the friend list. 

I guess in the end, my true feelings are don't judge me because I want transparency, because I care about people who are important to me and that I am honest. But to remember I'll be the friend to tell you you have food in your teeth, your outfit looks like shit or that I will express my opinion and won't ever LIE to you. My feelings are important, just like yours are, if you can't appreciate them, well you can't enjoy in my dysfunctional life with me, the train is leaving!