what today brings to my life

Happy Fathers day to my husband Eli...a man who is an amazing father!

 but to just bring myself back in time a bit....I didn't really grow up with a father who I was close too..yes I know who my dad is and yes I know he's the man who was married to my mother when i was conceived but we've never had the connection a father and daughter should have. I say that now because I see Kaitlynn and Eli and I love that they connect and they are so close..  I look at how my husband and daughter engage and I am so super excited they get to experience the real thing.  

DON"T get me wrong, it's not perfect they are not always seeing Eye to eye shes' a teenager now....but that is part of it right? parents are suppose to parent no matter what and one thing that we agree on as parents is the protection of our daughter. ( I might be a little more protective).  Eli is so patient and gets her....they laugh, have the same likes and are SO MUCH LIKE each other in so many ways and I love it!  they can be at the other end of the house playing their video games yelling at the tv, each other or just yelling and laughing and believe it or not that gives me tons of joy...I smile and so glad Kaitlynn has that. 

In addition to this post I'd like to give a huge shout out to the man who stepped up when he didn't have too..  Today we laughed about those times but it's a serious issue and I take his dedication seriously, Greg , thank you for being there for me as a teenager, kicking my ass when I needed it the most and being there today to not only STILL take that role on as a father but to be the most amazing grandfather to Kaitlynn that she can ever have. You are a gift from GOD for Us and I love and appreciate you.  

Tap're Lite

Endurance training is kicking my ASS!!

Each weekend for the last  6 weekends I lavish in carbs and drink and enjoy each moment....... and then Sunday night comes along and I dread tomorrow! 

http://www.bragincyuma.org/

kicking my butt! 

Each monday I know I have to fulfill my commitment to work out Monday -Thursday.......not even work out but to attend my SPARTAN endurance training. it's not your regular work out .....well for me it's torture it's hard core cardio hard core weight training, wall jumping lunge torture and a full of completing a workout. 

OK I SWEAT but never look this good doing it..........

my back hurts, my arms hurt, most days I feel like i'm dying and my knees.,omg my knees.......

and then I found www.kttape.com/

This is the best thing since Swedish fish was discovered. I can read over and over how this stuff works but I don't get it but I feel it and it works.....amazing product, i feel the outcome but still can't understand how it works.  

Anyways, it's Sunday and tomorrow I start  a new week--6th week in the class and I HAVE to over come the 4 ft wall...

It's going to rock because I'm going to crawl the wall this week!!

WTF just happened...???

WTF just happened to my life????

It's been 5 wks and it feels like 5 yrs since I became unemployed!  Shocker.........not really,.... reality.....reality hit hard when it happened. When you read those posts "open up and smell the roses" "reality just hit" no shit! Here I am.  

I went through the grieving process....shocked, sad, mad ----move on...blah blah blah.........
however there's a few people I can thank for this

STOMPING FEET...........dammit why do people have to be such assholes!!!! 

I just can't get over why people have to cause problems and not just do your day to day stuff and move on. go home happy and love your family and be true to your friends....why can't adults be adults and talk it out., why does honesty scare people? 

I think forever we'll always be asking these questions but it boils down to the facts about the person, who you are and who you feel you need to be. You may not care what other people think or feel but what's sad is that those who are nasty ugly people are ok with it themselves, they are able to fake that smile every day and know their hurting others and can sleep at night.

During my grieving process I wondered wow , what did I do wrong... is it me? I'm not perfect, yeah some of it is my fault, absolutely, I've made mistakes and I continue to learn by those mistakes but I know I extremely dislike unethical people and I can't stand those who are dishonest 

 I'm an honest person and even though it's the hardest thing to do is that I admit when I'm wrong and I take responsibility for my actions and I never in my life would want to hurt others. 

That,  I think is what people cant' handle. 

You don't need him to know your beautiful

So I spent some time with a friend today who broke my heart. We started having a "catch up " conversation , it was so great seeing her and she started crying.  I was shocked, this individual is always so happy and so amazing and now she's sobbing in my lap.  This woman has everything, home amazing children great friends and a husband of many years.  She cried to me ....and cried and cried, I didn't know what to do.  She then said to me ......"my husband never notices me" he never tells me I'm beautiful and never tells me I look nice " She told me she couldn't' remember the last time he said "you look nice today".  

I was very sad for her, this conversation triggered many memories I had but it wasn't about me.  She pondered on many different reasons why he may not notice her anymore.   They have been married for many years and she feels that maybe he just has become content.

I didn't know what to say to her to make her feel better........but I know what I would do in this situation.  I feel that in this situation when your man stops noticing you and stops complimenting you he's no longer looking at you. Contentment is minor  but when a man stops complimenting his wife, the woman he committed to love and adore for the rest of his life, only mean's he's done and really doesn't feel your beautiful and/or you look nice and all the rest is just to get through the rest of the day.

It's unfortunate but it's reality.  It's hard to hear, or even realize that the man you've committed to for so many years or so little years has stopped feeling that  your beautiful. Women need recognition from their lover, husband , partner ...soul-mate that they are still beautiful and loved. It's just what we need. You can be a CEO, a DOCTOR or WAITRESS ............women are built the same. No matter how strong we are or we portray to be we need to hear from you, it's what drives us to be better, happy and successful.

So I told my friend..........Fuck him.  forget him....Let him forget you because no matter with or with out him you are beautiful, others see you and even though he's your man, if he can't work it, someone else will.

She laughed,............


Then.............we cried!

Don't think I didn't hear you...............

There are times where a person needs to say whats on her mind, at times it may hurt. 

Stay with me

This week was crazy!!! 

I had a few drinks early in the week and ended up spilling my heart out to an old friend who I haven't talked to in months...........someone who has been extremely judgmental over the years, HOWEVER has had great advice even when I didn't want to hear it. I know who I can go to at my very worst and I know who I can't trust. Total shock for Eli and myself.

It sucks for me because my friends are so important to me and when I discover the truth I become so disappointed. I have so many great individuals come in to my world and disappear because of issues that were crazy ridiculous.  The memories stay strong.

Recently I spent time with my adult child in his home.  I cleaned and did dishes all weekend but I LOVED doing that for them and I'll do it again when I'm there next. It was the first time I could be the parent to the adult child and his wife and I LOVED IT. I can't wait until my baby grandchild is born....I am going to have a hard time sharing him.

During this visit I saw my son in a whole different light.  He has a home, he is paying rent and a baby on the way.  As hard as it is I believe he's realizing that it's not about him or her it's about the baby and will be about the baby for the rest of his life. It is hard for him but he is on the road to success .   We can all admit its not easy.  There will be lots of tears, lots of hurt feelings and you will always question yourself as a parent, as an individual, as a man/women.___Mom/dad. 

By no means is being an adult easy.........I'm 44 and I still hate budgeting.  But it's some thing we have to do. A responsibility we have to  endure. 

No matter what you or I have been through we can't deny that we've questioned our parenting at some point in our lives but stood strong when we had to stand TALL with and/or for our children.



Max, if your reading this I've never been so proud of you.......
It's not going to be easy but you can do it
Always remember it's about baby.............not you or her or us!

OMG look at us...........True souls!

 

Two women in my life who touched my soul....they touched my soul like no one EVER has. Us three shared a connection ...we could relate to our day to day goals........brainstorm, never judge, always support.  I had the pleasure to watch these two women grow into amazing professionals.  I will never forget our mandatory coffee time every morning ...this prepared us for the day ahead, we knew we had each other to support , to cry to, to never judge even if our mood was icky. We smiled every day and if we didn't smile we cried.  We knew that no matter what it's us, we were what was going to make it work because we trusted each other, we talked even if we were mad , we cried even if we were embarrassed and solved when we were unsure. 

These women have been the more amazing, intelligent, sincere and truthful individuals that I have ever had the pleasure.  I love you and I thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives. 

 

You two ROCK!!