Who are we to judge others?

I refer back to my first marriage alot because I bring so much from those experiences into my life now as a learning experience. Don't get me wrong there were GREAT times and those memories are treasured.  I think back at times when we seperated and divorced, what we could have done differently to make it easier on ourselves and our son.  I believe our son Travis suffered a great deal through the crap that was created through the divorce. Divorce isn't easy on anyone. There are so many emotions a person goes through when you spend so many vital years with someone and "poof" it seems to end just like that. What the heck happened, gosh I've asked that over and over to myself.  Alot of you are probably asking me why does it matter it was a long time ago!! Well it does matter because who wants to make those mistakes again?? Certainly not I and to now know what we went through opens my eyes alot with things I expiereince today. 

When we divorced we both lost friends.  It was like our friends were "divided" up in the divorce.  There were some who never talked to me again and some who I've reconnected with in the last few years which is amazing to me, I love it. And some who never left my side no matter what I might of done or said wrong, no one is perfect.  But when you loose those friends, those people who had been there for years and years, those who just take a side, it's heart breaking, but there's a reason for everything right? 

But then you have to ask, are they taking a side or is it really just easier to go in this direction?  I can't imagine because I don't want to be that person, who am I to judge or assume anything about anyone.  If  charlie brown left his wife and was dating somene 10 yrs younger what business is that of mine? And how do I know that Charlie Brown isn't going through some mid life crisis he may need some professional help with and this is just an easier escape? Wouldn't this be the time Charlie would need his friends the most?  Hey don't laugh if you don't know how that feels because it's very very common in situations like this.

My point to this is judging, we are all going to go through things in our lives and have friends who may go through divorce or support others when they are going through something.  What charlie brown does through this difficult time isn't my bussiness and what kind of friend am I, or would I be if I kicked him to the curb because of the desicions he makes.  It's important in our life that we need to be true to ourselves but if you can't have the same standard when it comes to those you tell your secrets to you aren't really who you think you are! Wouldn't you agree?

I think it's time that people put up or shut up.  I need to be true to my friends as I would hope they would be to me if I ended up like Charlie Brown. I don't need people to judge me when I'm going through my life issues, thats what I need the most .  I'm certainly going to hold true to do the same for those in my life who are my friends.  Aren't we suppose to stick together when we're going through the hardest times in our lives?

Out of all the people who has come into my life over the years I have a hadful of people that I can trust and still feel comfortable telling my deepest darkest secrets to if I needed to because I know I won't be pityed or judged.  I hope I can continue to strive to be a better person and friend if any of my friends had the unfortunate situation in their lives I hope I can be there for a support! 

what is it that I need to fix??

Today some things happened that told me that I'm missing something.  Something is missing to complete that puzzle and I can't figure out what it is....One thing I have realized is that I can't do this alone, I have people that depend on me and I need to stay strong, making sure I have the answers when their need.  
Perfection....

definition of PERFECTION

1

: the quality or state of being perfect: as

a : freedom from fault or defect : flawlessness

b : maturity

c : the quality or state of being saintly

2

a : an exemplification of supreme excellence

b : an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence

3

: the act or process of perfecting

 See perfection defined for English-language learners »

See perfection defined for kids »

No one is perfect...right? but as I continue to strive to be as great as I can be at what I do I know I'll never be perfect.  

The last few weeks I've fallen asleep thinking of things I need to do the next day and I wake up reviewing the list again in my head like I didn't even stop.  This morning I found myself get up and get a piece of paper to start writing them down. I will not fail this time, I will be successful and I will do it right.  Many lesson's learned with previous experiences and I have very determined plans to conquer. 

but what do you end up doing when there are those who create clear barriers to prevent success? Where do you go, who do you turn too.  What is worse, who can you talk to when you know the truth? I had a knife stab through my heart today and it took everything for me to keep my composure and not cry eyes out. Of course when I finally lay down for bed, I sob, my poor husband is so confused, and I am too tired to even talk about it.  

This brings me back to the people in your life, what position is each person in your life there for, why are they there for you.  Why does charlie brown have coffee with you weekly or Superman invites you for lunch? Is it even worth analyzing or do you just go with it? The biggest wish I could ever ask for is I just want my friends, ALL of those people who come into my life to be truthful, honest, supportive and...just a friend.  Who is it in your life you can just be you and not be judged and deserted. If you have someone close, how will you ever know you can confide in them and your words be safe?

We all go through situations though out our lives which turns us into entrusting "aquaintenances" to everyone we know, how many people can you call your friends? So many questions I sure I'm not the only one who's asked them once or twice. I can't tell you the heartache I endure when I think of friends who don't even talk to me anymore over something that I don't know know about or understand.  

Tonight I was watching idol and Kree sang that song by kris K.  Help me make it through the night....It was so moving for me, memories from back home and my childhood came flowing through my heart. it reminded me of times when I would watch my mom do her hair and make up with the music on in the background, even as a teenager I would listen to the music Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Ann Murray I could go on. Now those people I got into the most trouble with in my life, well those women are defiantly on the friend list. 

I guess in the end, my true feelings are don't judge me because I want transparency, because I care about people who are important to me and that I am honest. But to remember I'll be the friend to tell you you have food in your teeth, your outfit looks like shit or that I will express my opinion and won't ever LIE to you. My feelings are important, just like yours are, if you can't appreciate them, well you can't enjoy in my dysfunctional life with me, the train is leaving! 

Major Life Changing Events

I remember back in 1995-1996 when my 1st husband Gary and I split up and divorced. I was sure I was going to die, I was already dying inside because my love for him was just so deep still at that time and to top it off our son., oh my god what about Max? We'd been married 7 yrs years, together 9, I married him before I graduated high school.  During our dating we'd already gone through a tragic vehicle accident which left him disabled and had to get out of the Marine Corps. I don't remember what exactly his plans were career wise before that but he was discharged but persevered  He was water skiing on the Colorado river 6 months later. He wasn't going to let anyone tell him he couldn't do it.  He was strong...those are the traits of that man I fell in love with but later as we were married we changed, we both changed.  There was some domestic violence  though the years but we seemed to be ok.  In the end it wasn't ok we were both miserable, the name calling, the fighting and hitting was worse than ever. I still felt I loved this man so much I couldn't bare my life without him. He met a woman and he fell in love, then he left me.

He left, I cried, my heart was just so empty and I wasn't going to be able to move on without him.  I grieved but continued to be a mom and go to work.  During this time I made some stupid choices  I was mad then sad and even more mad then sad.  I remember when we separated our income's I went the bank and asked them to help me get all my checking stuff set up because Gary managed the finances and didn't really know what to do.  I was 26yrs old.  After that I realized that I carried for this man because he is my son's father but being away from him is better for all of us.  No more fighting, no more having Max hear us fight, no more being miserable. It was time to heal..........

Life changes over the years with good and bad events.  I went back to using drugs after the break up. It was tough to get through that but I had friends who supported me and it ended up working out.  I wen through a " I hate him period" but I knew that I had to forgive him before I could move on. About a year later I sold everything I had except my personal belongings and packed up my car and moved to North Carolina. I hid for a month, became sober, got a job. I went to church every sunday for a year and begged for GOD to take all of that sadness hatred away and let me move on. I continued to work, have fun with friends and travel.  It was now almost 2 yrs later I wanted to much to be loved and have that relationship but I wanted to be ready, I wanted to do it right the next time.   

o   

I found this book "What to do Until LOVE Finds YOu". I took a chance and bought it.  I read it in a day, I read it over and over and over. I was amazing.  I loaned it to a friend, never got it back bought another one. Did that twice, now I am still without a book but these friends who I lent it to needed to read this book. It is healing. This book helps you find you, helps you understand why things are happening and to make sure your ok. 

I came back to Arizona and got lucky to find Mr. Salter, I am so so blessed he was brought into my life. He's been my best friend and has been by my side through thick and thin.  But what the kicker is I had to go through years of agony to find this man, to heal and to find out who I am and that is most important.  You need to put yourself first to make sure you are ok.  Deal with whats been handed to you, you will too be ok.  Keep hope in your heart because it's really going to be ok. 

Karma and your Reaction

An Independent Woman

To many times have I come across someone telling me about a woman being controlled by her man or that friend is venting that her husband won't let her something she really wants to do. Whether it's , take this class or be friends with this person. I used to have harsh opinions when I had this topic of conversation, lately I listen....if she needs help I'll help.  However, at the same time I have to remember what I went through for 9 yrs. My first marriage was tragic, I was a victim of physical and verbal abuse.  We were young and I was a different person then but when we divorced I remember I was so lost and scared I swore I would never allow a man to have control of my choices or feelings again. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad everyday.  We have an amazing son out of it and there are things I remember that he taught me over the years.  But I struggled with getting through with the shadow I carried feeling worthless, fat and a piece of shit.  It effected my life and relationships for many years, however I am the woman today from that experience so today, I am grateful to him because I am me! 

I continue to wonder, what makes a woman not want to be successful? I was always career driven, always enhancing my education. But what makes a woman allow a man to not allow her to have a friend or watch a certain TV show? It's so important woman learn to break this vicious circle of abuse.  Women need to  become more courageous and independent.  Stand up to him and tell him you are important too and your feelings matter.  I know it's easier said then done, I can totally relate with not knowing where to start.  I will never judge a woman in this situation, I will be sad for them, I will help them and support them. But it's something you have to want, be free and independent. 

I work on myself everyday.  If it's not my physical appearance, it's my education and career.  I am constantly wanted to improve who I am.  I won't lie and say I don't have bad days where I feel defeated, but those are decreasing rapidly.  I am working on my second Masters, in a job that I enjoy doing what I do well and I have the best man in my life I could ever ask for.  I just need to keep working on everything. 

Having a sense of worth is so important. No matter what your interests or beliefs are they are just as important as the next persons.  You need to love who you are and by doing the things you love and work towards the dreams you have that will happen.  This will also increase your drive to be motivated in other area's in your life.  Make a list of things you are constantly calling others for or to fix.  How often are you just taking the initiative to do it? This will be hard but it'll be an eye opener when you look at the list and see how much you really can do yourself and not have to depend on others. 

Decrease what you do for everyone else.  How often do those people "repay" for you helping them everyday with something.  Take a step back and realize if your not babysitting for Lucy every other day you could be taking a hot bath and relaxing, reading a book or taking a walk, doing something for yourself.  This will increase your self-esteem/self worth.  No matter how many people you think are your friends, well you probably need to reevaluate your life at this point.  Remember if you have continue doing everything for everyone else, when are you doing something for yourself?

Life can get overwhelming but how great will it be that it's finally YOUR overwhelmed life!!

The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.

Quality vs. Quantity

It has occurred to me, not sure if it's age or not that the quality of a friend is found to be most important as you do grow older. I have 325 friends on Facebook with some of them family.  Alot unscribe me because I post so much crap, and I'm ok with that :0) However I have recently had a "come to jesus" discussion with an old friend who I haven't been ok with for a couple of years now. 
 We were typing through email to each other like writing in a diary, it was some what refreshing to put thoughts and feelings down to someone, being honest and myself and ok with the outcome.  We were able to talk a lot about the past some stupid things we've done and things that were said over the years and also be truthful about things that have happened over the years.  Whats funny, it is all stuff we already knew, it makes a difference to finally be validated? I am sure she felt the same way. During these emails I didn't say anything I wouldn't say to her, or anyone for that matter in their presence.  The outcome what that even though our friendship was important to us, we've allows others to dictate outcomes over the years and had forgotten how important we were to each other. 

I explained to her that I have decided that I am not going to  say anymore I have ALOT of friends because I really don't. I know a lot of people, acquaintances per say who I have met over the years.  It's the quality of a friendship what matters to me today not the quantity of those people in my life.  So, I sat and asked myself what I though a quality friend was and I came up with this

• A person who will be sitting in the jail cell with you laughing or saying oh shit do you think our husband will bail us out? (humor) 
• Someone who won't judge you because of who you are, what you like or what you believe it.  
• A person who understands when mistakes are made
• Someone who will say hi either by text or email just because
• Someone who will say "ill call you tomorrow and calls!! 
• Someone who has enough respect for you not to allow you not to go in public wearing what you have on if it's really that bad 
• A person you can tell your darkest secrets too and know they are safe
• A person you miss when you haven't been able to talk for awhile

Honesty
courage
Respect
and most important truthful.  

The thing that just gets me the most is when someone is being nice to your face because they have too, no one HAS to be nice to anyone, don't fake it.  Now being the bigger person is the difference.  I have enough respect for myself that I don' t  need you if that's the case. I won't any longer continue for it to be a one way exchange. If you wanted to be a part of my life, you too would call me. 
It's unfortunate, I have a lot of memories with a lot of people who have come in and out of my life.  Some people who have touched my heart and some people who have broke my heart. I think this is just how it's suppose to be until you find that perfect place where you need to be in to have balance and peace in your life, no matter who's there with you in the end! 

How many "FRIENDS" do you have in your life today?

You can't forget about you...Self Care is Mandatory

As busy as our lives become or how many amazing or tragic events may happen, you can't forget about yourself. Each and every one of us is going to experience something we don't want to, something that will rip our heart out.  These moments can be so painful we forget about taking care of ourselves. It's not because we need to forget the importance of what is happening in our lives but it's important to be healthy, emotionally and physically.  Once we focus on our health we're able to make healthy choices and feel good about who we are and what direction we're going even if it's not the direction we want to go in.

A few years ago I went through a serious depression, I had some tragic event happen in my life with in a 6 month period.  I started having increased anxiety and panic attacks. It was awful.  At this time I was so focused on what the negative situation was that I wasn't taking care of myself. I wasn't focusing on taking care of these new symptoms because they were debilitating. I couldn't get out of bed some days, I would just cry because I felt my life was falling apart. I wouldn't be nice to my husband I one day I just realized I need to see someone.  As hard as it was I took myself to a doctor and I was diagnosis ed with clinical depression. I was seriously shocked and realized I need to fix this because I was not ok with what was happening to me.  My marriage was suffering, my child was suffering and it wasn't fair.  I had someone to go talk too, someone I could trust. I started doing things to keep my brain busy, and staying away from the negative that did nothing for me.

Finally at a point I felt better and I could focus more on the issues in my life and approach them in a health process. I wasn't crying in bed anymore and I was feeling better about who I was as a person.  It took about 2 yrs and it wasn't easy.  What I learned through this is you can't forget about you....you need to practice self care constantly in your life to be able to raise your family effectively and have healthy relationships.  A depressed Deana was not attractive and I give my husband many thank yous for standing by my side and understanding that it was going to take time.

I did go on medications, A huge dose of medication and I have decreased that dosage to almost nothing. I am more active, I am doing things I want to do for me, I treat myself and I am not only a better nicer person, I am happier and that helps me be a better mother and wive.