WOW there is really someone who cares......

You go through life amazed at the people you come across, others wow you and then others break your heart.  We are an outgoing fun family, there's no doubt about it we know alot of people but there are very few I can ever call my friends. there aren't very people who would be there "for reals" when you need them.  Today....a friend proved to me.....no matter what we've been through no matter how bad it might have ever gotten she came today to share the joyous moment with me with kailtynn.  She didn't' come alone....her husband came, her best friend came, her son came and her brother came.   They didn't have too...they didn't even have to like it. The point is , they were there and were there because they cared and I could see that.  Out of all the people who have crossed my path and promised me they'd be there when I needed them, I didn't even tell her I needed a friend...but I really did and without her even knowing....she was there for me too.
My heart is heavy today, not only with the triumph of our daughter but the compassion this one person showed me in one day she had not only for my daughter, but for our friendship.  Thank you and please remember you are loved and appreciated!

With love
Deana

Rain Rain Rain and what about those less fortunate

So tonight I am sitting her at the very edge of my garage door opening thinking of the very thing most aren't thinking of....how are the homeless doing?  As much as we LOVE this rain, the cold weather the running water for our environment, has anyone stopped to think about how the homeless is handling this. We take this type of awesome weather for granted because we don't have to live with it just like we don't have to live with the heat like our homeless does.

I won't deny I am loving this amazing gift of water to our local community, it has certainly eliminated drought from our region.

So having said that the rain brings me out to the edge of my garage door opening and makes me think. there are so many many things to think about, things  to plan...things to prepare for.  In what aspect of life do you get to make those dire strait to reconcile issue desiccan?  is waiting for a tragedy long enough?

I think it's important that today we stop and think bout other people than ourselves and remember even in the winter in Arizona people suffer like they do in the summer and our help is desperately needed.  

When was the last time you helped the less fortunate?

He left me because I put my kids first.....

I have many friends from diverse walks of life and for me its unique because I'm unique as well. I have this veiw of acceptance, no bullshit and damn my family all together comes first. I don't take crap from any one or any man for that matter, however... my hubby and I but heads occasionally.  I love who I am and I love that I hold true to my ethics and values and don't allow a man or anyone for that matter to manipulate who I am .  I had a colleague tell me once. " he's unhappy because I put my kids first and I don't give him enough sex".  Today they are divorced....
Naturally I fell out of my chair and went on a OH HELL NO rampage. I was devastated that this beautiful woman who had the most amazing spirit who loved her children and husband so much was put in a position to choose. I don't know what happened in the end but I be a million dollars she put her kids first. 
My point is women are beautiful no matter what size, style, personality etc....we are amazing.  But at the same time we need to hold true to ourself and not allow our ethics to be manipulated. I can browse through people I know and state my opinion but every one is so unique, it makes me wonder why a man ( or women) wouldn't love someone even with the changes as much as he / she loved them in the beginning. 
I am a very analytical person and I watch my husband doing his thing and wonder, "damn why does he still love me' I have become such a bitch over the years (laughing while I write this) I am hard core..I am ok with having NO friends because I don't need drama and I want his attention alllll the time. Poor guy has to put up with my shit! I gained 50 pounds since we've been married I don't work as hard as I should to lose that weight. I'm always sick....Oh my Goodness! And this amazing man still loves me, still accepts me and doesn't need to be someone different who he was 13 yrs ago when we met. 
I want all my girl friends to know you are all gorgeous, successful and independent even if you don't think you are. We have the power to rule the world and men I believe are just  fricken afraid that we will. 

It isn't every day

 It isn't every day you meet those who you LOVE the be a part of.  We met Melissa and Cameron on accident when we joined our friend Jerry Gomes at bike week. (Thank you Jerry) Melissa and I had so much in common we couldn't stop talking.  It was instant friendship...talking about family, our occupations, dreams and bigger dreams. They are the type of people who you can be just yourself with, those who never judge or expect anything. 
We were invited to join their family for the 4th of July in Oceanside, CA.  We arrived and it was their family, their sisters, brothers family, aunt and uncle's family and the Gomes family and Grandma and Grandpa.  Even with 23 people together for 5 days we had fun, we laughed, and even cried a few times.  Walked a mile in other peoples shoes as those others in ours. Danced on the beach, rode the waves and made sand castles. 
All weekend we all came together to make sure meals were made and bathes were done.  Everyone knew where they were sleeping and some even just didn't care and hit the floor.  Hair wasn't perfect, clothes were sometimes dirty and even some unnecessary conversation happened over a few adult drinks. However,  in the end with a group of the travelling 23 it was the best time I've had with friends in such a long time. I can honestly say I created a friendship which will last forever. 
OH Yeah, I won't forget the 5 dogs, 1 cat, a bird and a beta fish. 
Thank you for the most amazing time and memories made with our family.  I will never forget you even though your moving already! Oh yeah I didn't cry until now! :0)

I thank GOD for his many blessings!

A True American Hero-A story you MUST read

Today I got up at 730am to take our 10yr old daughter to a basket ball clinic at Woodard Jr. High here  in Yuma, Arizona. Kaitlynn will be attending there this coming up school year. She and I are both a little nervous going to Jr. High so I thought this would be a little bit of exposure to the new school and students and she knows nothing about basketball. 

In our community our youth deal with so much stigma with outcomes which are dangerous--bullying.  Kaitlynn went through that at her elementary school and of course this makes her nervous.  Walking into the gym it was comfortable to me.  The kids were all playing together, I could see they were comfortable in their settings.  The school was inviting and the adults were involved with the kids. It was very positive, I was feeling better, however Kaitlynn was so scared though...she was pail as a ghost I could of sworn she was going to pass out.  

She observed for awhile getting the feeling of everything.  I asked maybe if this one gentlemen out with the kids might be ok with encouraging kaitlynn to get out there.  The TALL guy came over and introduced himself as Jamal Shueler, he is a professional basketball player.  He talked to kaitlynn and brought her out on the court to help her be more comfortable.  She agreed to go out there with him. 

Jamal Shuler-Played for Woodard in 2000 

Now plays professional Ball 

It is amazing to me that this was arranged and organized by the school and this man came back to where he started to give these youth a day they'll never forget.  The principle was there on the court and was extremely involved with these youth. As a parent going into new territory  I was extremely impressed with his involvement.  After awhile Kaitlynn became more comfortable and was having fun.  Her face was lite up to be standing by these older girls and watching them to learn how to do the drills. 

He did some one on one coaching with Kaitlynn, they watched a video on his skills and then they did drills and played some ball. My point to my post is this man didn't know my daughter or any of these kids for that matter.  He travelled to give these youth some encouragement and motivation in this sport.  And he did just that.   On the court with them coaching the youth and giving them high fives. 

During the clinic there were competitions and the kids were loving it.  Winners of each different drill/competition were winning prizes, basketball arm sleeves. He brought them and handed them to the youth personally after each win. 

In the end I noticed that he was walking towards Kailtynn, he had 1 sleeve left he said this was for the most special and bravest player, and he gave it to kaitlynn.  

Now you know I was in instant tears after I saw her just shine! This man took the time to go out of his way to help her feel better and shine like a super star.  Even after giving this to her he walked with her and walked with her giving her more advice. 

 I have never in my life been more impressed by an individual.  This man didn't have to do this for her but he did, he gave time to her. He has made it big and carries his head proud but he is a very humble man.  I am SO very proud of our brave daughter for getting out there! 

 Let it be known,   if Kailtynn starts playing ball and continues through her years, it won't because I got up at 7am to take her to the clinic or because her dad and I support her and travel with her.  It'll be because this ONE man took the time to encourage and motivate a youth he didn't even know.  

Now that's an AMERICAN HERO~! 

Hundreds of tears were shed by the mother through these moments!

People change, things change, priorities change. It's LIfe!

As a therapist change is something I analyse every day.  I always find myself going back to the stages of change model. 

• PreContemplation
• Contemplation
• Preparation 
• Action 
• Maintenance

I believe when a person is making a change in their lives they follow this model and most don't even know it exists.  I didn't until I worked in behavioural health.  Since then I hold myself accountable for the changes I make with myself, my career my friends and my family.  I have to because it affects everyone around me at some point in some aspect.  People change over the years.  They become married, have children everything changes.  Goals, career goals, priorities and ethics.  When I think about who I was 13 yrs ago to who I am now I laugh, shake my head and think "what was I thinking".  However, I truly believe our past brings us to who we are today.  

Our individual experiences open our eyes and our heart breaks change our beliefs but our achievements increases our motivation. We are human, you have feelings, I have determination, you have priorities I have career goals.  We all have the drive to be who we desire and in the end we become different people then who we were 10-15-20 yrs ago. 

Lately, I have been looking at things differently in my life, who I spend my time with, who I care about and who truly cares about me.  Wow have things really changed!!!    Approx 6 months ago I spent time with someone who I barely knew.  I realized how amazing she was in so many different ways. Because of our conversations she opened my eyes to some things I didn't ever think of or even consider. In the end it made sense ...I came to realize that I have changed in many different ways which in turn changed my priorities. 

I remember  needing a lot of people in my life and having such a huge desire to be liked and surrounded by people, that's not me anymore. I remember that the words didn't hurt me but I cared in silence, I am not that person anymore.  Words hurt me and now I voice my feelings but protect my heart.  I remember when I would push different things aside and not think of myself, now I am my priority because if I'm not ok I am not a good wife or mother. I am now in the action phase. 

I can guarantee you there are things I wished I did differently in my life, I can kick myself for not being more assertive in the past.  however,  I can promise you I will do it right from this day forward.  I can also tell you those who hurt me aren't going to ever do it again and I will always regret those who I forgot.  I will always remember there's an underlying factor to human behaviour and consider exactly what this post is about..... She changed, he changed and I changed. It's not a bad thing...it's life....it's just how it is. We aren't meant to be who we once were. 

Life goes on.............Right?

TODAY we celebrate the women who made us who we are....Our Mothers!

Even as a little girl I have memories about watching my mom and my grandmother interact. My mom helping her in her kitchen and doing things for her in her home and even visa versa when my grandmother came to our house.
I cherish the holidays where I watched them make povatitza and pasties together each year.  When we would all get together and go to Stadon park or Homestake late to picnic. 

I remember watching my mom plant her flowers in the pots in front of the house each spring and they never ever died, I try to now and I can't do it the way mom and grandmother did.  I remember the rose bushes my grandmother had and how important they were to her and how beautiful there were, now my mom has her own rose garden and how funny I am building my rose garden. 

We've all gone our seperate ways over the years weather it was going to heaven or moving away, I have so many fabulous memories of the 2 women I admire and love so dearly.  My mother and my gradmother. 7 yrs ago my grandmother passed away today and I miss her so much. You are always in my heart.  No matter what happened over the years my love for my mother hasn't changed, if anything it has become stronger. I watch my mother go through so my obstacles in here life and she keeps her head up high and doesn't let anything or anyone push her down.  She is strong, she is intelligent, MOSTLY right ...and always my biggest Hero! 

Here's to you mom!!          Taper'Light
       My Mom and ALL of us kids 
My grandma Blanche  My grandmother in her 20's  I believe this is my mom with her brother My mom in the middle on a christmas My dearest grandmother holding kailtynn for the first and last time.  These are precious pictures to me. 

Who are we to judge others?

I refer back to my first marriage alot because I bring so much from those experiences into my life now as a learning experience. Don't get me wrong there were GREAT times and those memories are treasured.  I think back at times when we seperated and divorced, what we could have done differently to make it easier on ourselves and our son.  I believe our son Travis suffered a great deal through the crap that was created through the divorce. Divorce isn't easy on anyone. There are so many emotions a person goes through when you spend so many vital years with someone and "poof" it seems to end just like that. What the heck happened, gosh I've asked that over and over to myself.  Alot of you are probably asking me why does it matter it was a long time ago!! Well it does matter because who wants to make those mistakes again?? Certainly not I and to now know what we went through opens my eyes alot with things I expiereince today. 

When we divorced we both lost friends.  It was like our friends were "divided" up in the divorce.  There were some who never talked to me again and some who I've reconnected with in the last few years which is amazing to me, I love it. And some who never left my side no matter what I might of done or said wrong, no one is perfect.  But when you loose those friends, those people who had been there for years and years, those who just take a side, it's heart breaking, but there's a reason for everything right? 

But then you have to ask, are they taking a side or is it really just easier to go in this direction?  I can't imagine because I don't want to be that person, who am I to judge or assume anything about anyone.  If  charlie brown left his wife and was dating somene 10 yrs younger what business is that of mine? And how do I know that Charlie Brown isn't going through some mid life crisis he may need some professional help with and this is just an easier escape? Wouldn't this be the time Charlie would need his friends the most?  Hey don't laugh if you don't know how that feels because it's very very common in situations like this.

My point to this is judging, we are all going to go through things in our lives and have friends who may go through divorce or support others when they are going through something.  What charlie brown does through this difficult time isn't my bussiness and what kind of friend am I, or would I be if I kicked him to the curb because of the desicions he makes.  It's important in our life that we need to be true to ourselves but if you can't have the same standard when it comes to those you tell your secrets to you aren't really who you think you are! Wouldn't you agree?

I think it's time that people put up or shut up.  I need to be true to my friends as I would hope they would be to me if I ended up like Charlie Brown. I don't need people to judge me when I'm going through my life issues, thats what I need the most .  I'm certainly going to hold true to do the same for those in my life who are my friends.  Aren't we suppose to stick together when we're going through the hardest times in our lives?

Out of all the people who has come into my life over the years I have a hadful of people that I can trust and still feel comfortable telling my deepest darkest secrets to if I needed to because I know I won't be pityed or judged.  I hope I can continue to strive to be a better person and friend if any of my friends had the unfortunate situation in their lives I hope I can be there for a support! 

what is it that I need to fix??

Today some things happened that told me that I'm missing something.  Something is missing to complete that puzzle and I can't figure out what it is....One thing I have realized is that I can't do this alone, I have people that depend on me and I need to stay strong, making sure I have the answers when their need.  
Perfection....

definition of PERFECTION

1

: the quality or state of being perfect: as

a : freedom from fault or defect : flawlessness

b : maturity

c : the quality or state of being saintly

2

a : an exemplification of supreme excellence

b : an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence

3

: the act or process of perfecting

 See perfection defined for English-language learners »

See perfection defined for kids »

No one is perfect...right? but as I continue to strive to be as great as I can be at what I do I know I'll never be perfect.  

The last few weeks I've fallen asleep thinking of things I need to do the next day and I wake up reviewing the list again in my head like I didn't even stop.  This morning I found myself get up and get a piece of paper to start writing them down. I will not fail this time, I will be successful and I will do it right.  Many lesson's learned with previous experiences and I have very determined plans to conquer. 

but what do you end up doing when there are those who create clear barriers to prevent success? Where do you go, who do you turn too.  What is worse, who can you talk to when you know the truth? I had a knife stab through my heart today and it took everything for me to keep my composure and not cry eyes out. Of course when I finally lay down for bed, I sob, my poor husband is so confused, and I am too tired to even talk about it.  

This brings me back to the people in your life, what position is each person in your life there for, why are they there for you.  Why does charlie brown have coffee with you weekly or Superman invites you for lunch? Is it even worth analyzing or do you just go with it? The biggest wish I could ever ask for is I just want my friends, ALL of those people who come into my life to be truthful, honest, supportive and...just a friend.  Who is it in your life you can just be you and not be judged and deserted. If you have someone close, how will you ever know you can confide in them and your words be safe?

We all go through situations though out our lives which turns us into entrusting "aquaintenances" to everyone we know, how many people can you call your friends? So many questions I sure I'm not the only one who's asked them once or twice. I can't tell you the heartache I endure when I think of friends who don't even talk to me anymore over something that I don't know know about or understand.  

Tonight I was watching idol and Kree sang that song by kris K.  Help me make it through the night....It was so moving for me, memories from back home and my childhood came flowing through my heart. it reminded me of times when I would watch my mom do her hair and make up with the music on in the background, even as a teenager I would listen to the music Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Ann Murray I could go on. Now those people I got into the most trouble with in my life, well those women are defiantly on the friend list. 

I guess in the end, my true feelings are don't judge me because I want transparency, because I care about people who are important to me and that I am honest. But to remember I'll be the friend to tell you you have food in your teeth, your outfit looks like shit or that I will express my opinion and won't ever LIE to you. My feelings are important, just like yours are, if you can't appreciate them, well you can't enjoy in my dysfunctional life with me, the train is leaving! 

Major Life Changing Events

I remember back in 1995-1996 when my 1st husband Gary and I split up and divorced. I was sure I was going to die, I was already dying inside because my love for him was just so deep still at that time and to top it off our son., oh my god what about Max? We'd been married 7 yrs years, together 9, I married him before I graduated high school.  During our dating we'd already gone through a tragic vehicle accident which left him disabled and had to get out of the Marine Corps. I don't remember what exactly his plans were career wise before that but he was discharged but persevered  He was water skiing on the Colorado river 6 months later. He wasn't going to let anyone tell him he couldn't do it.  He was strong...those are the traits of that man I fell in love with but later as we were married we changed, we both changed.  There was some domestic violence  though the years but we seemed to be ok.  In the end it wasn't ok we were both miserable, the name calling, the fighting and hitting was worse than ever. I still felt I loved this man so much I couldn't bare my life without him. He met a woman and he fell in love, then he left me.

He left, I cried, my heart was just so empty and I wasn't going to be able to move on without him.  I grieved but continued to be a mom and go to work.  During this time I made some stupid choices  I was mad then sad and even more mad then sad.  I remember when we separated our income's I went the bank and asked them to help me get all my checking stuff set up because Gary managed the finances and didn't really know what to do.  I was 26yrs old.  After that I realized that I carried for this man because he is my son's father but being away from him is better for all of us.  No more fighting, no more having Max hear us fight, no more being miserable. It was time to heal..........

Life changes over the years with good and bad events.  I went back to using drugs after the break up. It was tough to get through that but I had friends who supported me and it ended up working out.  I wen through a " I hate him period" but I knew that I had to forgive him before I could move on. About a year later I sold everything I had except my personal belongings and packed up my car and moved to North Carolina. I hid for a month, became sober, got a job. I went to church every sunday for a year and begged for GOD to take all of that sadness hatred away and let me move on. I continued to work, have fun with friends and travel.  It was now almost 2 yrs later I wanted to much to be loved and have that relationship but I wanted to be ready, I wanted to do it right the next time.   

o   

I found this book "What to do Until LOVE Finds YOu". I took a chance and bought it.  I read it in a day, I read it over and over and over. I was amazing.  I loaned it to a friend, never got it back bought another one. Did that twice, now I am still without a book but these friends who I lent it to needed to read this book. It is healing. This book helps you find you, helps you understand why things are happening and to make sure your ok. 

I came back to Arizona and got lucky to find Mr. Salter, I am so so blessed he was brought into my life. He's been my best friend and has been by my side through thick and thin.  But what the kicker is I had to go through years of agony to find this man, to heal and to find out who I am and that is most important.  You need to put yourself first to make sure you are ok.  Deal with whats been handed to you, you will too be ok.  Keep hope in your heart because it's really going to be ok. 

Karma and your Reaction

An Independent Woman

To many times have I come across someone telling me about a woman being controlled by her man or that friend is venting that her husband won't let her something she really wants to do. Whether it's , take this class or be friends with this person. I used to have harsh opinions when I had this topic of conversation, lately I listen....if she needs help I'll help.  However, at the same time I have to remember what I went through for 9 yrs. My first marriage was tragic, I was a victim of physical and verbal abuse.  We were young and I was a different person then but when we divorced I remember I was so lost and scared I swore I would never allow a man to have control of my choices or feelings again. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad everyday.  We have an amazing son out of it and there are things I remember that he taught me over the years.  But I struggled with getting through with the shadow I carried feeling worthless, fat and a piece of shit.  It effected my life and relationships for many years, however I am the woman today from that experience so today, I am grateful to him because I am me! 

I continue to wonder, what makes a woman not want to be successful? I was always career driven, always enhancing my education. But what makes a woman allow a man to not allow her to have a friend or watch a certain TV show? It's so important woman learn to break this vicious circle of abuse.  Women need to  become more courageous and independent.  Stand up to him and tell him you are important too and your feelings matter.  I know it's easier said then done, I can totally relate with not knowing where to start.  I will never judge a woman in this situation, I will be sad for them, I will help them and support them. But it's something you have to want, be free and independent. 

I work on myself everyday.  If it's not my physical appearance, it's my education and career.  I am constantly wanted to improve who I am.  I won't lie and say I don't have bad days where I feel defeated, but those are decreasing rapidly.  I am working on my second Masters, in a job that I enjoy doing what I do well and I have the best man in my life I could ever ask for.  I just need to keep working on everything. 

Having a sense of worth is so important. No matter what your interests or beliefs are they are just as important as the next persons.  You need to love who you are and by doing the things you love and work towards the dreams you have that will happen.  This will also increase your drive to be motivated in other area's in your life.  Make a list of things you are constantly calling others for or to fix.  How often are you just taking the initiative to do it? This will be hard but it'll be an eye opener when you look at the list and see how much you really can do yourself and not have to depend on others. 

Decrease what you do for everyone else.  How often do those people "repay" for you helping them everyday with something.  Take a step back and realize if your not babysitting for Lucy every other day you could be taking a hot bath and relaxing, reading a book or taking a walk, doing something for yourself.  This will increase your self-esteem/self worth.  No matter how many people you think are your friends, well you probably need to reevaluate your life at this point.  Remember if you have continue doing everything for everyone else, when are you doing something for yourself?

Life can get overwhelming but how great will it be that it's finally YOUR overwhelmed life!!

The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.

Quality vs. Quantity

It has occurred to me, not sure if it's age or not that the quality of a friend is found to be most important as you do grow older. I have 325 friends on Facebook with some of them family.  Alot unscribe me because I post so much crap, and I'm ok with that :0) However I have recently had a "come to jesus" discussion with an old friend who I haven't been ok with for a couple of years now. 
 We were typing through email to each other like writing in a diary, it was some what refreshing to put thoughts and feelings down to someone, being honest and myself and ok with the outcome.  We were able to talk a lot about the past some stupid things we've done and things that were said over the years and also be truthful about things that have happened over the years.  Whats funny, it is all stuff we already knew, it makes a difference to finally be validated? I am sure she felt the same way. During these emails I didn't say anything I wouldn't say to her, or anyone for that matter in their presence.  The outcome what that even though our friendship was important to us, we've allows others to dictate outcomes over the years and had forgotten how important we were to each other. 

I explained to her that I have decided that I am not going to  say anymore I have ALOT of friends because I really don't. I know a lot of people, acquaintances per say who I have met over the years.  It's the quality of a friendship what matters to me today not the quantity of those people in my life.  So, I sat and asked myself what I though a quality friend was and I came up with this

• A person who will be sitting in the jail cell with you laughing or saying oh shit do you think our husband will bail us out? (humor) 
• Someone who won't judge you because of who you are, what you like or what you believe it.  
• A person who understands when mistakes are made
• Someone who will say hi either by text or email just because
• Someone who will say "ill call you tomorrow and calls!! 
• Someone who has enough respect for you not to allow you not to go in public wearing what you have on if it's really that bad 
• A person you can tell your darkest secrets too and know they are safe
• A person you miss when you haven't been able to talk for awhile

Honesty
courage
Respect
and most important truthful.  

The thing that just gets me the most is when someone is being nice to your face because they have too, no one HAS to be nice to anyone, don't fake it.  Now being the bigger person is the difference.  I have enough respect for myself that I don' t  need you if that's the case. I won't any longer continue for it to be a one way exchange. If you wanted to be a part of my life, you too would call me. 
It's unfortunate, I have a lot of memories with a lot of people who have come in and out of my life.  Some people who have touched my heart and some people who have broke my heart. I think this is just how it's suppose to be until you find that perfect place where you need to be in to have balance and peace in your life, no matter who's there with you in the end! 

How many "FRIENDS" do you have in your life today?

You can't forget about you...Self Care is Mandatory

As busy as our lives become or how many amazing or tragic events may happen, you can't forget about yourself. Each and every one of us is going to experience something we don't want to, something that will rip our heart out.  These moments can be so painful we forget about taking care of ourselves. It's not because we need to forget the importance of what is happening in our lives but it's important to be healthy, emotionally and physically.  Once we focus on our health we're able to make healthy choices and feel good about who we are and what direction we're going even if it's not the direction we want to go in.

A few years ago I went through a serious depression, I had some tragic event happen in my life with in a 6 month period.  I started having increased anxiety and panic attacks. It was awful.  At this time I was so focused on what the negative situation was that I wasn't taking care of myself. I wasn't focusing on taking care of these new symptoms because they were debilitating. I couldn't get out of bed some days, I would just cry because I felt my life was falling apart. I wouldn't be nice to my husband I one day I just realized I need to see someone.  As hard as it was I took myself to a doctor and I was diagnosis ed with clinical depression. I was seriously shocked and realized I need to fix this because I was not ok with what was happening to me.  My marriage was suffering, my child was suffering and it wasn't fair.  I had someone to go talk too, someone I could trust. I started doing things to keep my brain busy, and staying away from the negative that did nothing for me.

Finally at a point I felt better and I could focus more on the issues in my life and approach them in a health process. I wasn't crying in bed anymore and I was feeling better about who I was as a person.  It took about 2 yrs and it wasn't easy.  What I learned through this is you can't forget about you....you need to practice self care constantly in your life to be able to raise your family effectively and have healthy relationships.  A depressed Deana was not attractive and I give my husband many thank yous for standing by my side and understanding that it was going to take time.

I did go on medications, A huge dose of medication and I have decreased that dosage to almost nothing. I am more active, I am doing things I want to do for me, I treat myself and I am not only a better nicer person, I am happier and that helps me be a better mother and wive.

New year....New Friends.....New plans

I ended my old blog with a reflection on 2011 and that made me realize I hadn't written for a YEAR! WOW 2012 was busy for us. SO reflecting on the year 2012 we had some huge challenges. Eli moved home from being stationed at China Lake for 3 yrs I vow never to do that again., well maybe.  It depends solely on the situation. However, I don't recommend living apart from your spouse if you could help it.  It was tough on our marriage and to make things worse, upon moving home he deployed 5 weeks later so we didn't have much time at all to adjust.  We've pushed through it and it's well because we love each other and that's the difference. As much as I cry and say that I can't do this anymore, I can't imagine living my life without him he is my hero, my best friend and those are reminders that we'll be ok. he's been home now a year with no interruption  yep its been tough but we're getting through it.

Eli and I renewed our vows in 2012, it was great seeing all of our friends and getting family together.  Elis' mother and step father was able to come and stay with us for about 5 weeks.  And his brother Alex and his family came for the wedding.  I wish we were closer to them all but we're not so we'll make it work.

I have found over the last year a lot of way I look at things have changed.  I have found that there were people in life that not healthy for me so I made changes. I want more then anything to have balance in my life with my family, career and friends. Without those pieces I am not at peace. I remember someone told me once you can have a thousand acquaintances but you should always be able to count your friends on 1 hand. These are people who you can go months without talking and go back like it's been only a day.

These friends are those you can talk to an you know your words are safe.  Your feelings aren't manipulated and your not going to be judge or chastised in other conversations when your not there. I think my problem is that I believe in everyone is honest and true until I am proved otherwise.  Year 2012 has forced me to do the opposite, they need to prove they are honest and true before I am otherwise trusting. It's unfortunate but I have been forced to focus in this direction because of the experiences I have had in the last year.  I need to be  ok for myself so I can be good for my husband and my family.

Don't get me wrong I have certainly made my amount of mistakes of the years but I have been extremely humbled in the last year with certain experiences I have been through and I have made a solemn vow to be who I am and be true to myself and I my conscious will be clear.  I am such an honest person anyways, lying and being deceitful doesn't come easy for me. if you know me and if I've tried to lie to you you know I can't do it. lol

Our daughter is growing into an amazing young lady. She's picked up such a sense of humor from us.  She loves to prank me.  yes I said ME because I am the only one she pranks. once I'm asleep she'll draw on my face.  Once she put power in my hair dryer and when i fell asleep they all stacked JENGA on my face. Im sure there are more pranks to come in 2013! Kaitlynn did her first season of CHEER through MCAS. She loved it and we've recently learned that the middle school she'll be attending has a squad there. It's tough work but I am hoping she'll continue with this sport.  I know she enjoys it.

I did graduate with my Master in Public administration and in 2012 I started a 2nd Masters in Psychology.  This is harder then anything I've ever studied.  I will probably take a 5 yr break and then then work on my PH.d .  I changed jobs in December. I am not working as a Program supervisor at Arizona's children s Association.  I am supervising Yuma and Lapaz counties so that's exciting. I love this type of work.  Direct Services with Adults was an experience for sure but this is what I do best and I am extremely enjoying it. It's exciting to be part of the growth of a new program. Eli is going to start on his Masters this year, he's still deciding on a focus of study.  I am excited for him.  I really miss my peeps from HORIZON, I had a great partner/colleague I worked with, she's an amazing women and I truly miss her smiling face. You don't find that working relationship too often and it was real hard leaving her.  I cried for a few days before and after, I think our COO thought I was going to have an anxiety attack.  She was always a great support for me and understanding when I had to vent and I know I could talk to her about things in my life and it was not only safe but she cared.  We keep in touch but I still miss her! Love ya Rachel!

I did a lot with my photography this year. I am still an amateur  but I learned ALOT.  I have a few pictures I will be submitting to the fair again this year, hopefully something will place. Kailtynn even became involved in photography and has a couple of pictures she's going to enter.  We are excited to put those together. I learned I have a little bit of skill and a good eye for things so I'm excited for the next year to learn more and do more with the camera.  I was able to photograph couples and families around the holiday season and I was also invited back to the EMCO shoot out to do the pictures.  The husband, or I mean Santa hooked me up with some very awesome equipment for Christmas so that will hope a lot with my photo shoots.  The sunflower field was one of my enjoyed moments. It was so beautiful.

Well, it's going to be a great year! There's alot going on ALREADY.  Unfortunately our Marine leaves us again this year for deployment but hopefully this will be the last one, retirement maybe in his near future. and a whole new chapter for the Salter family.

Created a new Blog

Unfortunately I wasn't able to get into my currently blog that I have had for 2 years.
://thewalkoflifes.blogspot.com/2010/12/what-yearthe-salters-never-stop.html
So, with my new goal to stay active with my blog I created a new one.  This is also linked to my photography page. WOW bummer but the link is there so You'll be able to kep up with the history if you'd like.