Holy Cow i didn't expect this.

In the last year I decided to focus on myself and make some changes in my life.  Don't get me wrong my kiddos and grand kids are priority always but I need to healthy to  be happy. So many things changed for us in the last year it seems my head doesn't seem to stop spinning.   I am still at the job I love and working with the best team I've had in years.  That makes it all so worth it.  I continue to work to grow these programs and keep everyone busy and productive. 

I am at the end of the leg of the process of surgery.  I went today to get my surgery date and I was smacked in the face that there were more requirements via insurance.  I was devastated, felt I wanted to just quit. 

There are so many reasons why I won't quit, but it's extremely hard to keep hitting walls. Today I cam home and there was a case of ensure and chicken broth on the counter.  I may not express it clear enough  but that is a great gift and I thank my husband for shopping for me. That was awesome to see.  I get a lot of kind words form many fiends and so much support from family. I am sure that I will be successful .

Thank you all for always thinking of  me.

whoa, this week was overwhelming
I search for validation in all aspects of my life. 
I talk a lot about friends coming to me searching for advice, I do this because it opens my mind to rethink things in my personal life.

I was walking out of my office tonight and a friend came looking for advice, she so wants to be loved. She has been single for a very long time and ready to date but not ready to emotionally....today is very different from even 5 yrs ago next to a decade.  Our society is changing so much there are so many expectations of a woman but no one cares how a man represents himself.
This is were the confusion comes in...It's very difficult for women to understand what men think and what they feel.
Even when a man has feelings he is NEVER going to tell you because the man feels that that makes them look weak and vulnerable.  And at the same time here we are as women.............emotional wanting to express our deepest feelings, our needs our wants and to the man, it is irrelevant because it's nothing like what they want. 

And that's ok............women from venus men from mars.......it is that exact and that simple. Women and men are so different that it will always cause a rift in the relationship,

  Women aren't simple, that is a fact, but men create the issues we have to over come. 
men create the judgement that creates a woman second guess them selves...but they just don't know they do. when a woman is confident and open that scares men away.  When women are in charge that makes the man feel inferior so they lash out with negative energy.
By no means do I take blame away from the women....we are just as guilty. 
But we need to remember we are to live not pout......we are here to experience all aspects of life and Live to feel good.  To be happy and to successful.  Man or women needs to move in that directions. 
Don't let anyone hold you down, experience what you love and endure what you feel.

It's times to live!

I talked to an old friend today and reconnected on so many different levels, it was pretty awesome.  you know that saying you reconnect and it's like you haven't been apart a day. we've known each other more years than my daughter has been alive and so this woman has been my strength. We cry I laugh and we love to hear what we're struggling with and/or our triumphs. A true friend. today I did most the crying this time, It is evident that i needed a friend to chat with. work, life all that came into play. I cried I laughed ...blah blah blah

 As we talked we did our normal rhetorical conversation...I don't think we ever answer each other or give solutions it's always rhetorical and solutions to the rhetorical.

I then asked her with no prompts....

What if your getting your ass kicked on a daily basis...............she said

fight hard and play dirty

damn need to replan my game

GOD i love her

almost 46 yrs old

I chatted today with an old friend who have been married as long as i have and she is so unhappy. she's wanting chang

My heart broke for her.......

Last week i met with a friend who has expressed she is no longer in love with her husband. She cried in my arms. I tried so hard not to cry too but my heart is weak and I cried.
She expressed to me that she has tried over and over to help him notice her., she'es tried so hard to reach out to him and figure out what is wrong because she can see it in her face, she can feel it in his heart.


I didn't have anything to say...I just stayed a good support. It was clear that she was going to leave him.  To me it was clear that she was putting her and her kiddos first and she needed to make sure that they were all taken care of no matter what.

I reminded her that we all change over the years and change is ok.  what the hardest thing is is to admit that and move on. Harder then you'll ever think......

we always want to protect our kids and but they hurt more when we're hurting .....the kiddos know, even when we think they don't, it's just hard to realize and admit.

Happiness is so hard to come by...marriage is a battle, you must love unconditionally to commit and go through everything you need to as a team.No blame or shame.............but at the same time even after yrs of marriage people change and drift apart and I think that is the hardest to admit when in a relationship.

I've had others rhetorically state "but we've been together for 20 yrs and I don't love him anymore and he's so awesome" how does that happen?

People change.....

I don't think I did anything more for my friend but give her a shoulder to cry on and to cry with.  these types of situations rattle my heart because of my past battles and it kills me to know my friends struggle and experience the pain i have. It's brutal.......Love is brutal........heart break is  just explainable

. 

I just am not sure....

Our lives move so fast, so many things change. there is so much I missed with raising my son Max I refuse to miss those moments with my daughter. But I feel like life is moving so fast I can't get  a hold of anything.
She likes a boy, I don't want her to like a boy.  I remember when I liked a boy and even though he is awesome today, we don't know what that boy will be like in 30 yrs. She changed her hair color, I am sure that is a phase.
 I see deep down inside she misses her horse...he was injured early this year and we've been just bidding time....but I see so much life in Kaitlynn when she's riding and competing. I miss her being able to miss her horse...
isn't this what parenting is all about. changes....feelings....personality changes, life changes.  For our kiddos..it seems non stop.

My kaitlynn needs her Temesun back.

when you find your place...

what does it mean when you find your place

To me you just feel you should of been there already years ago.  I have struggled in the last 2 years professionally, I am a very loyal individual a give 100% to my employer...my career is so important to me...........sometimes i feel i neglect my family

however..........i think i found my place

so what that means is that i transitioned smoothly, not much resistance.  My boss is amazing, so awesome It's like a fairy tale.

i know it's not always going to be perfect, this week was sink or swim...but I was on a Fricken floatie!!!

I didn't sink and i didn't have to swim.....i floated!! Why????????? because of the team i have because of the boss I have. I may walk out of there EXHAUSTED but I am exhausted and have something to show for it and damn proud of it.

I have alot to learn ..OMG sooooooooo much to learn but damn I thank GOD today for where I'm at and the blessings I've been gifted.

Does it really matter?

In today's world with all the social media we are allowed to voice our opinion more freely which sometimes can create a inviting healthy debate, or nasty words being expressed  The advances in technology has also allowed others to utilize the internet for other things such as research, 

In college there are major rules regarding plagiarism...zero tolerance and there is a tool used called trintitin to measure your wording in your work to eliminate possible plagiarism. I for one do not believe in that program because when i was attending college my professor and I always had different scores, it was not a dependable measure when it came to decision making. 

So having said that, what is really the make of your own words?  How far can you go before you are made to feel like you did something wrong?  Recently there was a debate on a thread of mine with people who have never met each other regarding the speech Melania Trump gave.  It isn't a secret that she's being ridiculed for what she said in her speech  but who are we to really judge her, 

I automatically judged before really thinking it thought and the discussion on the thread made me really open my eyes. Everyone was right...............

Some say she didn't write that speech, how do we know she didn't?  Why do we automatically think she is a bad human being for using words that someone else used?  I can tell you I have used words over the years that someone else had used, i stole it because I thought it was a good use of a phrase and/or wording.   How do we know she didn't feel like those words were a great way to express how she feels and wanted to share something she believed in?  Is it really plagerism in this context?  Is it really that big of a deal that we have to use her as an example to teach our kids "what not to do"?  Or get mad and frustrated at the other people voicing their opinion?  It can be a great lesson to teach out kids--"Look children, this can be misconstrued and be seen as plagiarism, however, it's what she believes in and she stood her ground" 

that is the lesson I want to teach my daughter...

These are really some questions that came up in the conversation that I have taken serious and has given me the opportunity to rethink my judgement.   I am changing my view because of some things that were said in this thread--

Mitch Kilmer What is wrong with repeating words that someone else spoke, if you believe in them? I really doubt anyone doesn't agree with these statements.

 

I agree with Mitch, why were we so quick to judge her because she used someone else's words?

Kimberly Wright Knowles She claimed she wrote most of it tho. So she lies and has idiots working for her.

Maybe she did write them all, we don't know who exactly wrote the speech, It is very similar to Michelle Obama's but how do we know that she didn't use the same words because she believes in them? we don't know ---what I now would say is I probably would of said something such as----"Michelle Obama said -----and I feel the same way"  however how do we know she didn't know ANYTHING?  I guess another question is what is the big deal....?

Monica Jo Kennedy I think they both plagiarized it from My Mom and Dad.....they said the same exact words....come on folks....your word is your bond has been a statement for centuries. ...the people that fall into the media trap.....everyone is a bit to sensitive now a days.....ridiculous

Monica had a great point, we all repeat what we've learned growing up and have never been used of plagerism...? Why would she if it's her belief?  

I think at this point we need to stop and look at what is really happening and if all of this is really worth the time we've all invested, do you believe she means those words? I do and if she used the same words as Michelle well, who are we to blame her for not believing in what she said?  

Shame on us.....

You go girl!! Melania Trump.  And Monica...You were right, she's pretty hot! 

http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a13529/melania-trump-interview-0216/

Life Time friends- Melanie and Trina

Holy Cow, I have Life long friends!!

So check this out...the morning of  July 3rd this year we had just woken up and we're enjoying the MT air and chilling in our RV........all the sudden there is s strange woman knocking on our door and says "DEANA is this YOU" LMAO

I almost died but when I realized who she was (took 2 seconds) I jumped up said OMG and ran out the door. My husband was probably wonder WTF it's 8:30 in the morning!!  Best surprise EVER!!

Melanie my dearest Melanie........out of EVERYONE in my life you and I experienced triumphs we probably don't want to relive...things we regret and embrace at the same time. You are such an outstanding individual, strong, determined, not letting anyone get in your way, kinda like how we were growing up...you have come so far and  accomplished so much I am so excited for you and your future. You are going to be greater than you ever imagined.

And then we have My Trina.....she who I listened to more than she thinks I did.... who I admired just as much and envied at the same time growing up.  I learned that the weekends we'd go out as teens the next week she'd be grounded. She told me that pattern happened quit frequently when we were teens~

 It was great to spend time with her and bond.  My sister was there with us and laughed at how we acted the same way together on these days as we did 27 yrs ago.  we laughed and just had a swell of a time.

Trina spent 3 days with us, my mom LOVED having her,  I hated thinking I was going to have to leave again,,  but we embraced what we could. We even took a nap together............shhhhh don't tell anyone!

We stayed up with the girls the first night  until 1am playing UNO and making shadow puppets on the wall! Most fun I have had in forever. I miss you tremendously Trina and Hope you can come to AZ soon!!

Slumming in Butte

On this night our goal was to experience all of Butte's historical places to drink...historical and modern I guess. In addition to the Scoop, we went to Pissers in Walkerville, MT and that was pretty cool, they have Tons of Nascar memorabilia all over and I ended up running into an old friend Shawn K. Lewis.  Not sure at this point how my husband was feeling through all of this. I know my dad was having a great time...  If the situation was reversed, not sure  how I would feel either. But he got a good taste of where I grew up!! I even bought a Pisser's  sweat shirt. I'm excited to wear it this fall/winter when we're on the bike!~ Right now it's 109 here in Yuma so sweat shirts are put away.

The Party Palace was exciting as well, I remember this being a drug store when I was growing up, so for the corner to be a different environment was exciting to learn. 

I ended up reuniting with 2 old friends, it was funny how people recognized me but wasn't sure! There was one who we just kept looking at each other and thinking i know him i know her...........well we did indeed know each other from high school and he knew my sisters. it was fun experiencing all of this stuff.  Today it's a bar I can relate too, It's fun, great people and maybe a bit dangerous for some people but it was great to be there, I just wish i could of met with more people I knew who are still in Butte. 

From the Party Palace we walked up the HUGE MOUNTAIN to Maloneys! Yes to me it was a Mountain because we do not have hills in Yuma, AZ.  I haven't walked Butte streets for years and forgot how challenging it is.  That sounds bad but you all get it.....

At Maloneys I met Charlie, he was super awesome. When I asked to take his picture and to pose he wasn't having it so I expressed that I would just photograph at random, he was ok with that as long as he didn' t  know.  

I LOVED Maloneys, it was so much of my heritage..........then I realized they had thongs for sale....I struggled with that! HA  thank you Charlie for being so awesome!!   You can see the items for sale behind charlie......Aside from that they had some great decor in the bathrooms (wink)

All in all we succeeded to have a TON of fun! thanks to all of who who I reconnected with and the bartenders who put up with my shenanigans. I had a blast! 

The SCOOP in Butte, MT

For the 4th of July this year I went home to Butte, MT and spend almost a week there seeing friends and family. It was an amazing trip for me mostly because my husband was able to finally see where I grew up. But more than anything, it brought me back to my roots and I was able to understand and appreciate more where I grew up and where I am from, I am a Butte Girl and that I will honor from this day forward.  

One thing on this trip we did was what my  mother calls slumming....it cracks me up but it sure isn't CLUBBING....So in Butte I guess it is slumming.  I slummed a lot as a teen so this night was particularly exciting for me because I not only went slumming with my husband and my dad I for the first time slummed in Butte legally. YES I slummed in Butte as a teen and got away with it!! 

Not totally proud of my teenage shenanigans but this gave me the opportunity to see where our City of Butte has come in 27 yrs.  I don't remember if I ever slummed at the SCOOP but on this night we did.  It was a great time because of the future new owner who we met.  John Anderson....

John has this dream to buy the SCOOP and bring back BUTTE...... but a more cultured to TECH Butte. He's reinvented the back where you have an outside bar and a bbq along with a volleyball court. I was impressed.  John is 26 yrs old and has a dream, a dream to make Butte Better!!  Some of you might think that building a bar better may not be the best for Butte, ...........This is the SCOOP, part of Butte everything! The SCOOP must not ever go away but be better! 

Then I looked up~~ I couldn't believe it there was signed money on the ceiling...Well I knew exactly what I needed to do....sign some money and stick it on the ceiling!! 

 This was a fabulous time and experience talking with John and I hope the best for him and his business partner! I am looking forward to returning and spending more time at the SCOOP Legally now! 

Ha! Tap Er' Lite

what today brings to my life

Happy Fathers day to my husband Eli...a man who is an amazing father!

 but to just bring myself back in time a bit....I didn't really grow up with a father who I was close too..yes I know who my dad is and yes I know he's the man who was married to my mother when i was conceived but we've never had the connection a father and daughter should have. I say that now because I see Kaitlynn and Eli and I love that they connect and they are so close..  I look at how my husband and daughter engage and I am so super excited they get to experience the real thing.  

DON"T get me wrong, it's not perfect they are not always seeing Eye to eye shes' a teenager now....but that is part of it right? parents are suppose to parent no matter what and one thing that we agree on as parents is the protection of our daughter. ( I might be a little more protective).  Eli is so patient and gets her....they laugh, have the same likes and are SO MUCH LIKE each other in so many ways and I love it!  they can be at the other end of the house playing their video games yelling at the tv, each other or just yelling and laughing and believe it or not that gives me tons of joy...I smile and so glad Kaitlynn has that. 

In addition to this post I'd like to give a huge shout out to the man who stepped up when he didn't have too..  Today we laughed about those times but it's a serious issue and I take his dedication seriously, Greg , thank you for being there for me as a teenager, kicking my ass when I needed it the most and being there today to not only STILL take that role on as a father but to be the most amazing grandfather to Kaitlynn that she can ever have. You are a gift from GOD for Us and I love and appreciate you.  

Tap're Lite

Endurance training is kicking my ASS!!

Each weekend for the last  6 weekends I lavish in carbs and drink and enjoy each moment....... and then Sunday night comes along and I dread tomorrow! 

http://www.bragincyuma.org/

kicking my butt! 

Each monday I know I have to fulfill my commitment to work out Monday -Thursday.......not even work out but to attend my SPARTAN endurance training. it's not your regular work out .....well for me it's torture it's hard core cardio hard core weight training, wall jumping lunge torture and a full of completing a workout. 

OK I SWEAT but never look this good doing it..........

my back hurts, my arms hurt, most days I feel like i'm dying and my knees.,omg my knees.......

and then I found www.kttape.com/

This is the best thing since Swedish fish was discovered. I can read over and over how this stuff works but I don't get it but I feel it and it works.....amazing product, i feel the outcome but still can't understand how it works.  

Anyways, it's Sunday and tomorrow I start  a new week--6th week in the class and I HAVE to over come the 4 ft wall...

It's going to rock because I'm going to crawl the wall this week!!

WTF just happened...???

WTF just happened to my life????

It's been 5 wks and it feels like 5 yrs since I became unemployed!  Shocker.........not really,.... reality.....reality hit hard when it happened. When you read those posts "open up and smell the roses" "reality just hit" no shit! Here I am.  

I went through the grieving process....shocked, sad, mad ----move on...blah blah blah.........
however there's a few people I can thank for this

STOMPING FEET...........dammit why do people have to be such assholes!!!! 

I just can't get over why people have to cause problems and not just do your day to day stuff and move on. go home happy and love your family and be true to your friends....why can't adults be adults and talk it out., why does honesty scare people? 

I think forever we'll always be asking these questions but it boils down to the facts about the person, who you are and who you feel you need to be. You may not care what other people think or feel but what's sad is that those who are nasty ugly people are ok with it themselves, they are able to fake that smile every day and know their hurting others and can sleep at night.

During my grieving process I wondered wow , what did I do wrong... is it me? I'm not perfect, yeah some of it is my fault, absolutely, I've made mistakes and I continue to learn by those mistakes but I know I extremely dislike unethical people and I can't stand those who are dishonest 

 I'm an honest person and even though it's the hardest thing to do is that I admit when I'm wrong and I take responsibility for my actions and I never in my life would want to hurt others. 

That,  I think is what people cant' handle. 

You don't need him to know your beautiful

So I spent some time with a friend today who broke my heart. We started having a "catch up " conversation , it was so great seeing her and she started crying.  I was shocked, this individual is always so happy and so amazing and now she's sobbing in my lap.  This woman has everything, home amazing children great friends and a husband of many years.  She cried to me ....and cried and cried, I didn't know what to do.  She then said to me ......"my husband never notices me" he never tells me I'm beautiful and never tells me I look nice " She told me she couldn't' remember the last time he said "you look nice today".  

I was very sad for her, this conversation triggered many memories I had but it wasn't about me.  She pondered on many different reasons why he may not notice her anymore.   They have been married for many years and she feels that maybe he just has become content.

I didn't know what to say to her to make her feel better........but I know what I would do in this situation.  I feel that in this situation when your man stops noticing you and stops complimenting you he's no longer looking at you. Contentment is minor  but when a man stops complimenting his wife, the woman he committed to love and adore for the rest of his life, only mean's he's done and really doesn't feel your beautiful and/or you look nice and all the rest is just to get through the rest of the day.

It's unfortunate but it's reality.  It's hard to hear, or even realize that the man you've committed to for so many years or so little years has stopped feeling that  your beautiful. Women need recognition from their lover, husband , partner ...soul-mate that they are still beautiful and loved. It's just what we need. You can be a CEO, a DOCTOR or WAITRESS ............women are built the same. No matter how strong we are or we portray to be we need to hear from you, it's what drives us to be better, happy and successful.

So I told my friend..........Fuck him.  forget him....Let him forget you because no matter with or with out him you are beautiful, others see you and even though he's your man, if he can't work it, someone else will.

She laughed,............


Then.............we cried!

Don't think I didn't hear you...............

There are times where a person needs to say whats on her mind, at times it may hurt. 

Stay with me

This week was crazy!!! 

I had a few drinks early in the week and ended up spilling my heart out to an old friend who I haven't talked to in months...........someone who has been extremely judgmental over the years, HOWEVER has had great advice even when I didn't want to hear it. I know who I can go to at my very worst and I know who I can't trust. Total shock for Eli and myself.

It sucks for me because my friends are so important to me and when I discover the truth I become so disappointed. I have so many great individuals come in to my world and disappear because of issues that were crazy ridiculous.  The memories stay strong.

Recently I spent time with my adult child in his home.  I cleaned and did dishes all weekend but I LOVED doing that for them and I'll do it again when I'm there next. It was the first time I could be the parent to the adult child and his wife and I LOVED IT. I can't wait until my baby grandchild is born....I am going to have a hard time sharing him.

During this visit I saw my son in a whole different light.  He has a home, he is paying rent and a baby on the way.  As hard as it is I believe he's realizing that it's not about him or her it's about the baby and will be about the baby for the rest of his life. It is hard for him but he is on the road to success .   We can all admit its not easy.  There will be lots of tears, lots of hurt feelings and you will always question yourself as a parent, as an individual, as a man/women.___Mom/dad. 

By no means is being an adult easy.........I'm 44 and I still hate budgeting.  But it's some thing we have to do. A responsibility we have to  endure. 

No matter what you or I have been through we can't deny that we've questioned our parenting at some point in our lives but stood strong when we had to stand TALL with and/or for our children.



Max, if your reading this I've never been so proud of you.......
It's not going to be easy but you can do it
Always remember it's about baby.............not you or her or us!

OMG look at us...........True souls!

 

Two women in my life who touched my soul....they touched my soul like no one EVER has. Us three shared a connection ...we could relate to our day to day goals........brainstorm, never judge, always support.  I had the pleasure to watch these two women grow into amazing professionals.  I will never forget our mandatory coffee time every morning ...this prepared us for the day ahead, we knew we had each other to support , to cry to, to never judge even if our mood was icky. We smiled every day and if we didn't smile we cried.  We knew that no matter what it's us, we were what was going to make it work because we trusted each other, we talked even if we were mad , we cried even if we were embarrassed and solved when we were unsure. 

These women have been the more amazing, intelligent, sincere and truthful individuals that I have ever had the pleasure.  I love you and I thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives. 

 

You two ROCK!!



Daily unfolding.............

Daily we expect things to improve or just amazing things to happen. Daily in my life amazing things happen....no so much for me but for others in my life. Other days it just doesn't turn out the way you want or expect.  I'm on such a unique journey, the people who've already come in and out of my life are extraordinary in there own way I am at awe with what happens.  No matter how much we think we know about ourselves or someone else, tomorrow always surprises us with the worse or best outcome. We watch our children grow up and the challenges they face and the support we give as parents can be rewarding.  We also watch our children fail but continue to give the support they need, ....life lessons.  I wonder how many of us think to ourselves "when do I get a break" or "when will they get a break".

I am very fortunate, and I am so grateful for what I have, I didn't have ALL I wanted growing up...but I always had what I needed.  I've taught my children to respect those who are less fortunate and to give when you can.  I hope that they've learned that there is always someone worse off than we are.  I will be the first person to offer a ride to a stranger, or hand a homeless person a bag of food.  We will be the ones you will see giving as much as we get, it's just who we are.

Our daughter and sons are growing up so fast we are missing so much of their lives.  Kaitlynn lives in the same home and I feel that I blink and she's another 2 yrs in.  This last 2 months she grew another inch so that puts her taller than me at 12yrs old.  I feel some days I am in a whirlwind continuing to be the best mom I can be the best wife I can be and now I get to be a Grandma....WOW...........I get to love and cherish my son and his child.  I am in a place in my life I still won't believe even when I'm standing there looking at him and her.   A blessing in itself. 

Everything happens for a reason............

Since I took my new job I have thought every day that everything happens for a reason.  I truly live by that and every day it proves me the same.  I have had the opportunity to work with an individual who not only is outstanding but an amazing strong woman.  Over the years you have your mentors, your idols  and those who you've learned from and say forever you will remember them because they taught you something. 
Today, without anyone know .......even her I learn from her every day. She walks with the greatest of self respect, shows her du-diligence, remains strong, politically correct and show's every day something I need to learn.  It is rare you come across individuals who make such an impact on your life. 
I have evaluated my years and I have to say that I haven't come across such an amazing woman. 
She will be my friend, my colleague and my teacher not even knowing it. 
I am so grateful I have her to vent to;  express my concerns even when it jibberishhhh...I know I'm going to get a solid answer, a laughing answer or just no answer but with a smile,

that is my answer.............

Everything happens for a reason.